Mostly I am terrified of the fact that I am going to be in the exact same place that I am today when I turn thirty. And I must confess that I am not in a place that I am entirely happy with today. And, some days, I am not even a little bit happy with where I'm at.
Don't get me wrong. I love my children. They are healthy, beautiful, smart, happy, and everything I'm pretty sure I don't deserve. I love my husband. He puts up with my crazy self and thinks I am just as beautiful today as I was when we met 8 years (and 50 pounds (*gasp* I can't believe I just said that)) ago. We own a beautiful home. I drive a fancy car. I have a career that I enjoy.
But sometimes I feel like I have no clue who I am. Or who I want to be. Like I'm just going through the motions trying to make it to tomorrow. I'm fully aware that my thinking is irrational (see previous paragraph outlining all the reasons I shouldn't feel this way.)
I can't specifically pinpoint why I feel the way I do. But I'm thinking it has to do with expectations. Expectations that I put on myself. Expectations from others. Expectations that I let social media impose upon me. I expect myself to be perfect. To be happy. To have it all together. Others expect me to be perfect and happy (or at least I feel like they do). And social media? They definitely expect you to be perfect. Perfectly edited cover photos on Facebook. Status updates about how your 2 day old baby rolled over, slept through the night, AND sang the alphabet. Perfectly executed Pinterest parties straight with photo booth and fourteen tiered rainbow cake that shoots fireworks.
These expectations are exhausting. And leave me questioning who I am and who I want to be. Always wondering if I'm doing enough, being enough, am enough. Something's got to give. I've got to figure something out.
So I am going to do just that. I am going to take the next six months to find some direction. To pinpoint my worth. Rediscover me. And hopefully be in a better place when my big birthday rolls around.
I hope you'll stick around for the journey. I have a feeling I am going to need all the support I can get.
